Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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