Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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