I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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