3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
