Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Someone came in the potted fern
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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