I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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