So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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