In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
