just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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