I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
