i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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