you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
