"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
