I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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