Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
