He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
My breasts were aching with rage.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
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