I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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