I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
