I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
