On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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