Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just google imaged poop.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
