R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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