When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
