I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
