All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
