I bet he comes in French.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
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You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
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do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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