I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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