dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Randomize
