I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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