What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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