The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
