friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
