I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
