What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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