just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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