Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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