My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
