THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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