My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
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We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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