We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
