I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
