My nipple is on Facebook.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
