don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
