Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
