think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You're like the curious george of whores
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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