If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
