Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
