You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
