i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
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