you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
