I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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