Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm too high and old for this...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
