I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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