if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
