Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
