i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
