she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You need Xanax blowdarts
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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