Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize