Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He shit in the fireplace
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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