Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
