you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
